For those who live in DC, the following is for tourists. You can go on by, and yes—we’re going to stand to the right.
Everyone in America thinks they know DC, partly because we hear about it constantly. The politics and the monuments, the history—museums, libraries and important artifacts—George Washington’s false teeth. Like everywhere, real people with jobs and mortgages, pre-school drop-offs and parking problems go about their business in hopes that after work, life will feel better. The difference is that their day can be ruined by a never ending train of political-tourists that come and go as they please. It might be hoards of white-folk waving red-hats, evangelists that park their tour-buses askew, rioters, neo-nazis, protestors, or anybody who thinks it’s a good idea to air their grievances at Lincoln’s feet. They can fly or drive in, perfectly timed to stall the morning-metro commute, or stand street-side in front of traffic to peddle their whack-job conspiracy of the month. Later, they’ll harass the hard-working waitresses and street vendors before they swoop in to clear out the best liquor stores in town, just to get sick in the street as they stagger on to bed. Through it all, and I can’t honestly decide why, the residents find a way to brush it off and go on.
No matter what holds you up or why you’re there, you will eat. There may be nothing worse than when the Salvadoran place you found on OpenTable gets over-run by right-wing extremists who both want the food and to abuse its staff with chants about going back to Mexico… but what can you do? They’re looking for a fight and you’re hungry. So you fall back on a street-side alternative, which is easy since talented people from all over the world make for a diverse food culture. Maybe you’ll score some Ethiopian beef tibs covered in spicy berbere sauce. Use the injera to soak up all the goodness and in no time, your blood-sugar will be peaking. When the hunger has passed, you’ll be ready for an evening.
If you’re planning to be out late, don’t count on the Metro, or else think of it as an adventure. It has a reputation for being weird—all the more so at night. The trick is to make sure you get started in the right place. For example, if you’re into a quiet bench overlooking the river, there’s a waterfront park in Georgetown. But when that gets boring you’ll be able to bar-crawl all the way down M Street to Pennsylvania Avenue. From there it’s a short sobriety-walk to Foggy Bottom, or a quick ride to Dupont Circle where, having gathered your wits, you can take up the slow march again.
As you go, or the next morning, take the chance to try out other cuisines around town. People have immigrated to DC over the decades for various reasons, many never to return home, but they all bring their food with them to find a local community with a tolerance for new things. As a visitor, think of it this way—you come for the free museums, or to peddle your cause, why not make yourself useful and support the dream of hard working people while you’re there?
To conclude this bulletin—Rule number one, stand to the right. I didn’t explain that, but you’ll get it the first time you screw up. Two, DC is not your home. You can do your thing but keep your bullshit on the lawn, and off the street—you get some credit for trying not to be an asshole. Three, the food is good, so tip the people that serve it up with money, not politics or nationalism.
Washington D.C.
