When the apocalypse comes, I know what I’m going out to grab first—hell-raising is optional. While the rest of you fight zombies for guns and axes, I’m going for a pallet of spam. I’ll pick up med-kits and ammunition along the way, but only because, by then, I’ll have something worth protecting.
I grew up in a household where canned meat was a symbol of our status on the social ladder, so naturally, I didn’t want anybody to know that I had an affinity for it. Does this make a coming-out of sorts? In fairness, not all brands are equal and there’s no excuse for food that tastes like aluminum. When I grew away from poverty, I also grew away from processed foods, but a recent trip to Hawaii and its requisite brunch with spam and eggs rekindled my love, at least the king of packed meat (See note 1).
Besides its insane shelf-life (note 2), what makes spam special is the way it caramelizes and its ability to hold shape under heat no matter what shape you cut it into. The plan here is to throw out a few suggestions on how to use it, ranging from most common to unusual.
Patty
Slice thin along the wide side and lay them on a hot frying pan with a small amount of oil. Sauté for a few minutes on each side and serve on toast with folded eggs and a cheese slice like a breakfast sandwich.
Cubed
Dice into uniform cubes, about the thickness of your pinky-finger. Toss with oil into a hot frying pan and stir occasionally until browned on all sides. They are perfect when the outsides are browned, and the center warms up enough to melt in your mouth.
Strips
Slice it up into thin strips along the short side and then fry or bake like bacon. You’ve done it right when your guests think it is bacon.
Julienne
After slicing along either side, line them up and julienne them as finely as you can. Fry them briefly until they turn golden brown. They’re perfect as a topping in salads or wherever bacon bits are commonly served.
Spam Crisp
Copyright heard here first—it’s not easy, but it can be done. Julienne the whole can as finely as grated cheese and layer it in a hot pan like hash browns. Brown on both sides, one flip allowed, and transfer to a plate, shape it like the culinary-master you are before it cools and serve it boldly over anything that needs a kick of texture and salty, pork flavor. (note 3)
- SPAM is supposedly an acronym. Despite attempts to determine the original meaning, I remain unconvinced. Besides, it’s more fun to make up your own. Shoulder of Pork and Ham is boring and makes no sense to me. Specially Processed American Meat, at least makes some sense. I’m in favor of a subliminal message like, Stop Preparing Ass-level Meals.
- When I say shelf-life here I’m not talking about the best-by date printed on the side of the can. I literally mean that it can sit on a shelf for a very long time and still be the same as it was the day it got packed.
- What doesn’t want for salty pork flavor? Nothing, the answer is nothing.
- It occurs to me now, at the end, that if you’re going to prep for the end-days with spam, you should also source chickens for their eggs. Despite its unique properties and tremendous versatility, I don’t suppose an exclusive diet of SPAM will keep a person healthy or sane.
